Hard to find a place where to start. I hate the entire world with seething, burning hatred, or at least I think so. I don't think I ever had any real problems in my life. Sure, I was poor, subject to russian bulliyng (Which is like bullying on steroids) and then constantly subjected to daily drama at home, where I mostly played a passive observer between mom/sis' fights. But back then I was stupid, er, stupider, my morale worked solely in black/white and idealism and escapism RULED my imagination.
That is before the world ruined it all. I can pinpoint the moment where my fantasy started to die to the lesson where I learned how energy works. Suddenly there was a grim realisation that there is nothing special in the world. No magic, no supernatural or etc, just a long wait, nothing at all in the end. Hated to live forever, hated to die, the world has pretty much screwed me over. Locked me in a very limited (though also very intricate) body, woven my mind to be set with goals I cannot accomplish and worst of all,
it gave me the ability to comprehend this. My life is thus a paradox, I want to escape all responsibilities, abandon the society as far as I can and try to eke out a substandard living in solitude. Never got to die young sadly

always wanted to.
So. Now I am suddenly Caleb. And I am proven wrong. There IS magic and supernatural in the world. My shoulder hurts and I know why and I already feel horrible memories fade and I also know why. I do not care for all the losses. For all I care the old world might have disappeared. Sounds cruel, but I am a cruel person now. Who is to place any restraints on me? Life has kicked me in the nads my entire life, now it's payback time. I will have no care, no superior, I will answer to none, be second to NO ONE.
But why does it feel so hard. I cannot bring myself to be evil, whatever sort of behaviour that implies. I am not bloodthirsty, I do not like hurting people because it also hurts myself. Maybe those are all the traits I have since forgotten and I certainly hope so. Those traits belonged to Alex. And I am not Alex anymore. I am Caleb, ain't I?
That's right. I am. I know I once had a name. I have forgotten it along with the name I once was given. I may not enjoy death, but I do enjoy freedom, I can learn to tolerate constant pain, I do not need much and yet can have anything. The world is mine for grasp, all it's fine pleasures.
I have never called any place home. And even here no ground binds me. Freeedom, I can remember how I love that word. What it stands for.
But what is at the end. In the end, all food is stale, all fight is boring, but I forget. I need not worry if I forget. And in time, I will forget that I forget. Maybe in time I will forget that it all makes no sense, eternity holds no reward for me, I know I have hated it as much as end. It is a constant fact, it is always there. Haunting me, filling me with worry.
Even this freedom is of no worth anymore. I have tasted it until the taste would not go. I should have known, but the craving made me forget as i forgot everything. I do not know Alex. But who is Caleb? Why. Everything. Why. What for? I just want to know the reason. Why does it never open itself up. This world. I hate it. I hate it as much as I hated the world prior. It gave me no answers. It locked me in a better body, but no body would ever suffice. The goals have become much more distant and I now know that they are impossible to reach.
It is the nature of man, to walk forward blind.
I hate it.
I hate everything.
I hate.
Hate.
Hate.
Hate
hate
hate
hate
hate
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hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate hate
WHY WONT IT EVER STOP!?